This excerpt is from an application to a prestigious business school. The applicant, an immigrant, wanted a stronger "sales" slant to his app. The first section is his original work; the second, my suggested "punch-up" edits; the third is the final doc. I edited his entire application in this style.

6. What other information do you believe would be helpful to the Board in understanding you better and in considering your application? (400-word limit)

Growing up, I learned about entrepreneurship first-hand. My family went through a difficult period during which my father lost all of our savings in a failed restaurant business. The economy was slow and my dad could not find a job. My mother had worked in jewelry stores and was a great saleswoman. She decided that by specializing in Native American jewelry, she could fill a niche market that no one in our area was servicing. Despite having no business education, no help from her skeptical husband, and no capital, she resolved to open her own jewelry store. Her determination paid off; the store performed exceeding well and she was able to open three more of them.
My parents have been inspirations to me. Failure, success, and business venture were routine aspects of my youth. The experience I gained at a young age by helping my mother open her stores, working at her stores, and later working for my father in his commercial real estate business, has deepened my understanding of business, dispelling the mysteries and replacing them with a crystalline understanding of the rewards that the seedlings of enterprise can yield.
My parents even gave me the courage to start a business venture of my own at an unusually young age. During my sophomore year of high school, a friend of theirs asked me to design a webpage for his business.  The professional-looking webpage I created resulted in more requests for my services. Capitalizing on the burgeoning market, I set up a company to design web pages and marketed the services to small businesses.  The company took off, and I was earning annual revenue in the tens of thousands while still a teenager. One of the websites we designed caught the attention of a web design company, Faboro.ch,, located in Switzerland.  The owner was impressed by my work and offered me a summer internship. 
At his small company, I worked directly under his supervision and learned from his innovative management style. He pressed his employees not to be restricted by technology when creating their designs. He often challenged us to implement features we thought were impossible, and, in most cases, persistence and a little creativity yielded a solution.
This exposure to entrepreneurship at such a young age has opened up a variety of opportunities in my life. I am indebted to both of my parents for their positive mentoring.





Below are the revisions and explanations to strengthen the article. Text in
blue is added text.


What other information do you believe would be helpful to the Board in understanding you better and in considering your application? (400-word limit)


Growing up, I learned about entrepreneurship first-hand. My parents have been
were inspirations to me.It has made a big difference in my life. My family went through a difficult period during which my father lost all of our savings in a failed restaurant business.

The economy
at home was slow, and my dad could not find a job. My mother had worked in jewelry stores and was a great saleswoman. She decided that by specializing in Native American jewelry, she could fill a niche market that no one in our area was servicing. Despite having no business education, no help from her skeptical husband, and no capital, she resolved to open her own jewelry store. Her determination paid off; the store performed exceedingly well, and she was able to open three more of them.

Failure, Success and business venture
s were routine aspects of my youth. The experience I gained at a young age by helping my mother open her stores, working at her stores, and later working for my father in his commercial real estate business, has deepened my understanding of business, dispelling the mysteries and replacing them with a crystalline understanding of the rewards that the seedlings of enterprise can yield.

My parents even gave me the courage to start a business venture of my own at an unusually young age. During my sophomore year of high school, a friend of theirs asked me to design a Web page for his business. The professional-looking webpage
work I created resulted in more requests for my services. Capitalizing on the burgeoning market, I set up an interactive design company to design web pages and marketed my services to small businesses. The company took off, and I was earning annual revenue in the tens of thousands while still a teenager. One of the websites we designed caught the attention of a design company, Faboro.ch, located in Switzerland. The owner was impressed by my work and offered me a summer internship.

At his small company, I worked directly under his supervision and learned from his innovative management style. He pressed his employees not to be restricted by technology when creating their designs. He often challenged us to implement features we thought were impossible, and, in most cases, persistence and a little creativity yielded a solution.

This
I am indebted to both of my parents for their positive mentoring.
My exposure to entrepreneurship at such a young age has opened up a variety of doors in my life. It taught me to maximize the skills that I have, recognize and take advantage of opportunities, and learn the skills I needed to overcome obstacles in my path. That is one of the reasons I am confident I will do well here.


This is the final, edited text:

Essay question 6

Growing up, I learned about entrepreneurship first-hand. My parents were inspirations to me. It has made a big difference in my life.

The economy at home was slow, and my dad could not find a job. My mother had worked in jewelry stores and was a great saleswoman. She decided that by specializing in Native American jewelry, she could fill a niche market that no one in our area was servicing. Despite having no business education and no capital, she resolved to open her own jewelry store. Her determination paid off; the store performed exceedingly well, and she was able to open three more of them.

Success and business ventures were routine aspects of my youth. The experience I gained at a young age by helping my mother open her stores, working at her stores, and later working for my father in his commercial real estate business deepened my understanding of business, dispelling the mysteries and replacing them with a crystalline understanding of the rewards that the seedlings of enterprise can yield.

My parents even gave me the courage to start a business of my own at an unusually young age. During my sophomore year of high school, a friend of theirs asked me to design a Web page for his business. The professional-looking work I created resulted in more requests for my services. Capitalizing on the burgeoning market, I set up an interactive design company and marketed my services to small businesses. The company took off, and I was earning annual revenue in the tens of thousands while still a teenager. One of the sites we designed caught the attention of a design company, Faboro.ch, located in Switzerland. The owner was impressed by my work and offered me a summer internship.

I am indebted to both of my parents for their positive mentoring. My exposure to entrepreneurship at such a young age opened up a variety of doors in my life. It taught me to maximize the skills that I have, recognize and take advantage of opportunities, and learn the skills I needed to overcome obstacles in my path. That is one of the reasons I am confident I will do well here.
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